Common Theories Often Become Facts With No Evidence
by hellointernet
Summary: Or 'The Whole Fandom Knows Kamui's Braid Could Totally Slap Someone'. Abuto wonders if this is true... or even why his captain has a braid.


"Mami?"

"Hmm?"

"Why do you always braid my hair?"

"Because I like it. I like braiding hair."

"Oh. Well, why do you like braiding my hair?"

"Because you're cute."

Kagura tightened the section, before continuing down the flaxen colored hair. The small head suddenly leaned backwards and blue eyes looked at her inquisitively.

"Then why don't you braid Papa's hair? You said he was cute before."

The redhead blushed.

She flicked her daughter's forehead. "I told you to tell me before you suddenly move your head like that."

"That doesn't answer my question though." She pouted.

"It's 'cause you're cuter."

"Oh." She turned back around, mildly pleased.

Kagura sighed at the now-messy braid. She ran her fingers through the soft hair, breaking the pattern.

"Can boys have braided hair?"

"Yes." Pale, deft fingers worked the hair into three sections. "Now, listen. Boys can also have braided hair. There are tons of boys with braided hair in Africa."

"Africa?"

"Yup. It's really hot and filled with lions and elephants. There's only one apple tree there. You'll go mad with hunger there since you can't hunt the lions either. They're protected by little green midgets with pots. Remember, never go to Africa without a gallon of sunscreen and your umbrella."

The girl nodded, again messing up her hair. "Never go to Africa without a gallon of sunscreen and your umbrella," she repeated.

"Mm. Good girl. Now stop moving your head."

"Okay… what about other boys? Or… men?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, like other boys. In the neighborhood. Like Yo-kun Jr. Can _they_ have braided hair? Or older men. Like Uncle Gin and Uncle Shin. Can _they_ have braided hair?"

"Everyone can have braided hair. It's all part of the natural cycle to have braided hair."

Small teeth bit small lips. What natural cycle? Sometimes Mami didn't make sense. But she was _Mami_ so that was alright.

"But listen. You should laugh at grown men who look ridiculous with braided hair. Or with perms. Or bowl cuts. Or gorillas with people styled hair."

"Ridding cook-less?"

"Ri-di-cu-lous. It means funny. Really funny."

"Oh."

See? Mami was smart like that.

Kagura continued. "You should laugh especially if they have red hair. Laugh at the redheads with a long braid. Laugh right in their face." Then she added as an afterthought. "And maybe give them a punch in the face."

"Oh… am I supposed to laugh at you and punch you in the face?"

Mami had long red hair and it was sometimes braided.

Small delicate features scrunched up at the prospect. She didn't want to laugh at Mami. Or punch her. She'd much rather laugh _with_ Mami and punch whoever Mami was punching.

Except if it was Papa.

"No." Kagura huffed and tugged the flaxen hair. "I'm talking about _men_. Men who have red hair and braids. Never be afraid of them."

"Oh."

Right. Why would Mami want to get punched?

"Remember that. Right after no going to Africa."

"…are those men bad? The red-hair-with-braids men?"

She felt Mami's hands still and her breath hitched. She stilled. Had she said something wrong? She didn't want Mami to be sad or angry because of her.

When Mami spoke again, she could _hear_ the warm smile in her voice. "No. Not really. He's not _all_ bad."

Who did Mami by 'he'? She opened her mouth to ask.

But then Papa came in and she forgot about that in favor of telling the Papa what Mami told her. "Mami says I should laugh at men with braided hair!"

"And perm-heads. And people with bowl cuts. And gorillas with people style hair." Mami came up behind her to peck Papa on the cheek.

"And people with V-shaped bangs. Laugh really hard at them," Papa offered his two cents.

She nodded wisely. "Okay. Did you bring the mayonnaise, Papa?"

" _Goddamn Hijikata-san."_ Papa growled under his breath as he wordlessly handed over the grocery bag.

* * *

"Oi, China," Okita called out.

"What?" Kagura snapped back.

"When are you going to stop playing with my hair?" Sougo lifted his eye mask to properly look at his girlfriend. He still cannot believe he became a couple with _her_.

At least her lap was comfy.

"I'm not _playing_ with it," she started, pouting ever so slightly. "I'm braiding it."

"…I know you're a bit daft, China, but my hair's not long enough to braid."

"It's _hair_. If there's hair, there can definitely be a braid," the redhead pulled on his hair for a good measure. Damn China.

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Here." China took his hand and led it up to his head. There he felt a weird bumpy _thing_. No, _things._ There were more than five of them.

He sat up in alarm. Or as alarmed as he could get. He still had to maintain his character of nonchalance after all. He felt around some more. Five…six…seven…

" _China._ What the fuck are these? What the hell did you put on my head?"

"What do you mean?" Kagura opened a packet of sukunbo. "They're braids."

"What?"

"I know you're a bit daft, Sadist, but I just said they're braids."

…this fucking brat, mocking the Prince of Sadists like that.

"I _know_ what you said, China."

"Here, look." She took out a small pocket mirror. "See? Braids?"

They were indeed braids. Small flaxen braids that made his hair looked like it contained caterpillars.

Sougo had many questions.

Why was _China_ , of all people, braiding? How long had she been braiding? It couldn't have been more than 10 minutes. How fast did she braid? How did she even get his short hair into braids?

Instead, Okita drawled. "I'm surprised you have a functioning mirror with you. Thought it would've cracked from your ugly face by now."

There was a shriek and a sukunbo wrapper was flung at his head. He leaned aside before ducking the more lethal kick that followed.

Now that was more like his China Doll.

* * *

"Oi, oi. Kagura-chan. What are you doing?"

"What do you mean, Gin-chan?"

A sharp tug on his hair had him sitting up and batting away the pale hands.

"Never mind! I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to pull out Gin-chan's precious hair, that's what!" the samurai pointed accusingly at the Yato.

"What do you mean?! I'm just trying to braid it," the girl crossed her arms in defense. "It's not _my_ fault your hair was too tangled."

The older man was not listening. "Gin-chan's growing old, you know! If you pull it out now, Gin-chan's hair's not going to grow back. It's a perm but it's Gin-chan's perm. And I need my hair if I'm ever going to straighten it out. If you pull out my hair, I'm going to have to wear a toupee like your idiot bald father!"

Kagura gasped at the thought of _anyone_ becoming bald like her father. No one deserved that.

She threw herself at the white haired. "Gin-chan! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to uproot your hair! I just wanted to braid it!"

Gintoki stilled at that, awkwardly patting the redhead. "Well… as long as you've learned your lesson?"

The girl sniffed and nodded.

"Alright, now get off. You're heavy and Gin-chan's going to end up having back pain." Never mind that said back pain was mostly likely from all the awkward positions he read Jump in.

"Okay." Kagura sniffled and moved towards Sadaharu. "Guess I'll just braid your hair then, Sadaharu."

Gintoki tried to go back to his Jump. He really did. He tried to focus on Lukuto working his way to be the Hoka-King by finding his seven balls of For-tuna. Today's chapter was a crossover between OneDragTo and Shinigami – the one where the dude, Bleach, tried to become an Ichigo.

But it was all so hard because Kagura wouldn't stop her damn sniffling and heck, even Sadaharu was sniffling! Where was Shinpachi when you needed someone to throw to the wolves?

…oh right. Vacationing in Hawaii with his sister and Macadamia nuts.

The silver-haired sighed and winced internally at what he was about to say. "Kagura. If you want to… you can braid my hair… not quite sure how that would work since it's short but…" ' _-it's pathetic seeing you trying to braid a dog's fur.'_

"Really? You won't mind?" she asked, big blue eyes widening.

"Well…." yes, he would mind. He would very much mind, especially since it was _Kagura_ they were talking about. Her hands seemed like they belonged to an aristocrat's sickly daughter – like they were made from perfect porcelain.

Gintoki knew better. He'd seen those hands uproot oak trees like they were nothing.

He looked back at those eager eyes and swallowed. "No. I don't mind."

"Even if I might accidentally pull out your hair and you might end up like Papi?"

The samurai visibly winced, body cringing and all. She just had to mention that. "Yes, I wouldn't mind."

"Yay! You're the best, Gin-chan!"

' _Yay. I'm the best'_ , he dryly thought to himself. Well, at least she's enjoying herself, right?

* * *

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Kagura! What in the universe are you doing?!"

"Papi. Stay still. I'm trying to braid here."

"Oh, okay," Umibozu sat still as per order. Then he fully realized what the sentence meant. "WHAT?! No, no, no, nonononon _nononono_. Kagura! Hands off Papi's hair!"

He loved his daughter. He really did. But letting her near his hair while it was at _this_ stage was more than dangerous. More dangerous than being first place in Mario Kart and not expecting blue shells to come after you. More dangerous than throwing a blue shell, becoming first place and thinking karma won't get you back (because it does and it comes in the form of another blue shell).

"What?! What are you doing? Do you want to go bal – "

Umibozu stilled as his daughter stilled. The sudden silence was unnerving him. And part of his head felt tingly, like something just got ripped out from it.

"Kagura." He tried to remain calm. If he could be calm against a horde of bloodthirsty three-headed dogs, then he could be calm against anything. "What just happened?"

"Um… Papi? You know I love you right? I love you more than sukun – wait, no, I don't. But I do love you." Cue nervous laughter.

" _Kagura_."

"Isortofrippedoutyourhair, I'msorryPapi, byeloveyou." The brat was out the door in a flash of red.

…with his bundle of hair in her hands.

"DFIDIFBDAFOALFNBLAERGWJGOPKGW!" Screw what he said. He can handle most things but getting half his hair ripped out by his own daughter is not part of that list. "KAGURA! COME BACK HERE! GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR! I THINK I CAN SUPERGLUE IT BACK ON!"

Needless to say, Umibozu was now mentally scarred at the prospect of having his hair braided.

* * *

"Ka-nii! Ka-nii!"

"Hmm? What is it, Kagura?"

"Look, look." The smaller turned to show off her newly done braid. Rather messy but then it could've come apart from her running. "Mami showed me how to braid!"

"That's nice," Kamui smiled. He ran his hand over the braid. "Did you do this by yourself?"

"Yes!" His sister turned to grant him a toothy grin. "Now, you!"

The older redhead was confused. Him? What about him? "Me? Wha – "

"You do it too!"

Do what? Smile?

"I'll do it for you! Braid!"

 _Oh_.

He ruffled her hair. Kagura pouted as she felt her hair got messier.

"Sorry. My hair's not long enough for braid."

"Yes it is! There's _hair_ so there can be a braid!" the girl petulantly insisted. She further elaborated, big blue eyes shining. "Because braids are done with hair."

"I know that, idiot. But my hair's not long enough for you to braid it."

"Yes it is! I'll show you!"

Kamui protested weakly as his sister clambered up, trying to reach his hair. Sighing, he bent his head.

After a while, the annoyed grumbles started. "Why won't this – ugh – stop slipping, hair, I just want to – stop it – braid – "

"What's going on up there?" His neck was starting to hurt.

"Ka-nii sucks! Your hair sucks!" Kagura announced with the confidence of a 5 year old.

"So do _I_ suck or does my hair suck?" Kamui lifted his head and once again ruffled his sister's hair.

"Both. Ka-nii's hair suck but since Ka-nii's hair is part of Ka-nii, Ka-nii sucks too!"

The male frowned. "So… if my hair doesn't suck and can be braided, I won't suck too. Right?"

The smaller took a moment to process what was being said before nodding.

And despite what he said earlier, he declared, "Alright. Let Ka-nii show you. My hair _can_ be braided."

Because he can't possibly suck. Not in Kagura's eyes. He was the best (and only but details) big brother that Kagura could have.

Tongue poking out as he concentrated, he attempted to keep braid the short red strands. Kagura was right (of course she was. His sweet, innocent sister couldn't tell a lie to save her life). It kept falling apart.

Maybe if he just used more strength…

His arms were hurting when he finally lowered them. But there now was a perfect strand of braid on his head.

"See? My hair _can_ be braided."

Kagura reached up to tentatively touch it. "That's because your fingers are magic. When I did it, nothing happened."

Kamui laughed. "My fingers are not magic. See?"

He flicked her on the forehead.

"Ow! What was that for?!" she slapped both hands to her forehead. That probably hurt more than his flick. "Your fingers suck too!"

His smile dropped. "What do you mean they suck? You just said they were magic a while ago!"

"Yeah, but that was a while ago. Your fingers just hurt me!" the girl pouted and pointed accusingly at her brother's hands.

"No they didn't. These fingers," Kamui wiggled his fingers for emphasis, "would never hurt you. They would never seek to inflict pain on you. Ka-nii won't ever hurt you."

Kagura didn't understand what 'in-fit' was but that was okay. Ka-nii promised he wouldn't hurt her so that was that.

"Okay."

"Tell you what. I'll grow out my hair. That way, you can braid it whenever you want."

"Really?" Her big blue eyes were so much like his. He never wanted them to change.

"Yes, really. You can braid it whenever you want with _your_ magic fingers."

"You're the best, Ka-nii!"

* * *

"Say, Captain. Don't you think you should get a haircut?" Abuto noted in an offhand manner. He briefly wondered if he wanted a death wish today. But then again, that was done when he invited the redhead to the Division.

It was odd though. During all the years of working with Kamui, he had never seen the other cut his hair.

Hell, even Abuto had went to the hairdresser at least thrice in the past year (mostly trims but still).

And that damn braid just kept getting longer and longer.

Silence met him.

He plowed on. "I mean, it could be a hazard when you're, you know, fighting." He paused, considering what he just said. "Not that I'm saying you're going to… get killed because of your hair. Because you'd just kill them off. It might even be a weapon for you."

It was no secret that most of the 7th Division thought their Captain's braid could bitchslap someone. Or choke them to death. Abuto didn't believe it.

Maybe that's why he was risking getting bitchslapped/choked.

The older Yato took a deep breath. "I'm just saying a haircut wouldn't hurt…."

"Abuto?" Kamui faced him, smiling as always.

"Yes?" he answered, though he knew what was coming next.

"Shut up or I'll rip your tongue out and shove it in the sausage grinder." There it was. A new threat today, huh?

Abuto fell silent for a moment. Then (damn, he really was asking to get bitchslapped/choked/tongue-turned-into-sausage today), "Why won't you cut your hair though?"

The redhead swung to face him. The brown haired had to take a step back to avoid the flying braid (okay, maybe those bitchslapping rumor _were_ true).

Luckily, the captain was in a good mood today. He merely smiled (or maintained the smile) and said, "It's because I have magic fingers."

 _Magic fingers, my arse._ Well, as long as those 'magic fingers' weren't wrapped around his throat, threatening to snap it any second.

"Besides I'm planning to become the Space Pirate King and Pirate Kings never cut their hair."

' _Since when was_ that _rule invented? And isn't this violating copyrights?'_ Abuto mused.

"Get back to work. I'm going to my cabin." Which really meant, 'come do my paperwork for me while I lounge around and play with whatever's on the desk or eat the Division out of ship and galaxy'.

The red braid swung from side to side. …come to think of it, did that thing just grow longer in a ready-made braid? Or...

Thinking about _Kamui_ braiding his hair almost made Abuto choke on air.

* * *

 _Happy Birthday Kamui!_

 _I had this idea for a while and only realized it was Kamui's birthday yesterday. So I started writing this yesterday and edit/finished it today. The powers of not sleeping._

 _I'm not going to lie. I've always liked braiding. I just don't do it much. So instead of braiding my hair, I channeled my like for braiding and question of why Kamui has a braid (aside from being able to bitchslap someone without using his hands because we all know he can totally slap someone with his hair) into this fic and tada! brother-sister bonding and other type of bondings with braids! Except for the last one. Well, maybe Abuto and Kamui also kind of bonded..._

 _Anyway, hope all the characters were in character. Thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated._


End file.
